tiresome

Note: I started writing this about a week ago, whilst studying for my mid-year exams. Didn’t want to post it, but thought I would anyway, to look back on and remember in the future. 

Warning: If you don’t like words that speak my inner feelings and thoughts, you may not want to read this. 

Hello! It’s been awhile since I’ve been on here – it’s been awhile since I’ve had time to be writing something other than an essay or IA, or some other collection of notes for an exam. School has been hectic, and it’s effectively only the beginning.

As I write this, my brain is pulsing against my skull in the form of a terrible migraine. My eyes are swollen and bloodshot from the lack of sleep, and I can no longer think in AD-AS diagrams or nucleophilic substitution mechanisms. I knew these challenges were to come and I knew that the going was gonna’ get tough, but I was never ready for school (or the IB, for that matter) to be this difficult. Assignment after assignment, exam after exam, bout of anxiety after bout of anxiety. The system is forcing me into a constant cycle of non-stop full-force work, and I’m struggling and I’m tired and I’m admitting it.

It’s hard to explain the level of stress that we are being put under – perhaps I’m overstating this but everything I write here is my true opinion towards the matter – and even if I succeed in explaining, it’s hard for you to understand the level of stress that we are being put under. The hours of the day are becoming increasingly draining, and every night I await the time I get to finally lie down and close my eyes – but don’t forget to set that alarm for 5:30AM, which adds up to a grand total of 5 hours’ sleep tonight, great. I’m tired of being tired, honestly, and I’m tired of the bleakness my (at least weekday) life has turned into.

The main problem: I’m never satisfied with the amount of work I get done each day, and I always go to sleep with a overbearing premonition of failing the next test or assignment because I didn’t get down to memorising the evaluation of supply and demand-side policies as I had set out to do. And I hate how I must get things right, forcing all of this information into my head because that’s the only way I can feel good about myself. I miss not having to do a set of questions for the sheer sakes of satisfying my craving to be as productive as I can be, to not waste a single slither of time.

As much as the first half of this post has been…rather depressing, I must say that hard work made me stronger. Cliché, you might say. But truly, none of this I even imagined myself being able to complete or do. I definitely didn’t start out my education journey as the brightest child, but I can feel myself growing and learning and although the amount of information entering this brain of mine comes in such multitude sometimes, I appreciate it so much. What has passed of 2016 has taught me to just give it a try, even if you think you can’t do it, because odds are, things will turn out better that you’d expected.

I’m going to continue being burdened by a truckload of work, continue getting hit by anxiety, continue feeling like my body is going to breakdown from information overload. But with friends and family by my side, I’m going to continue to work hard. There’s barely half a year to go till the IB papers begins and ends – how hard can it be?

x, Nat.

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