Okay I started writing this a couple of days ago but saved it as a draft because I just didn’t feel like continuing on – but as I was studying for last Monday’s Chinese paper I wrote this down and I thought: How ironic.
First of all I just want to say that for the rest of this post, I’m taking this site as a place to just… vomit out thoughts that don’t constitute academic work and school things. I’m in dire need of a place to write and express and speak without actually speaking, because I don’t want to talk about it in real life since all that does is make me doubly uncomfortable and stressed.
Put simply, I’m SO tired.
You know, during pre-exam times in the past, I’ve experienced being hammered down by stress and anxiety. Yet, there was a certain fearfulness in me that kept me going even as I sat at my desk, barely awake. On occasions when I really could not (for lack of a better word) tahan the workload, I’d always tell myself to ‘take a break’ and ‘start working again tomorrow’. Presumably, when I start work again the next day, things would get better, my mind would clear up, and I’d be able to jump right back into the same ol’ clockwork cycle of work-sleep-eat-repeat.
For so many years, this ‘technique’ worked. But then I realised that nowadays, things don’t get better the next day. I force myself to take breaks when I feel my brain start to over-saturate with information, and I affirm myself with the same “it’ll be better tomorrow”, but nothing really gets better, and I don’t know why. Maybe I really am incapable of pushing myself to get the grades – I was never a bright child in the past anyway. Maybe there’s really only so much information that I can feed myself, and maybe I just wasn’t meant to be able to do exceptionally well in the academic field. It’s tiring, honestly, feeling this way. Because through every single minute of the day, you feel like rubbish. You break out in cold sweat, you think about the disappointment you’re going to be, and you think about all the expectations you’re not going to meet. It sucks! I don’t want to radiate such negative energy but it really sucks.
I still try my hardest to smile, anyway. “Smile through the pain” has never been more applicable in my life. When my teachers ask me if I’m fine, I smile and say yes. I laugh as much as I can manage, because it feels good, even if there’s a part within me that really doesn’t feel like laughing at all. Perhaps its because I don’t want to seem weak, maybe I’ve been emitting the impression that I can manage all this stress, I’ll be fine, I can do it, don’t worry about me. But as of late, I can’t help but feel useless, worn-out, disappointed, and on occasion angry – not so much at the people around me or this stupid NMR question that I’ve been staring at for an hour, but more so at myself.
I don’t know how this is going to turn out – I want as much as possible to enjoy my final days in this school (a post with overwhelming sentimentality is soon to come, we’ll save it for another day), cause’ although I don’t want to think about leaving right now, I know I’m going to miss it an awful lot. But for now, I’m tried is all I can say. 2 more subjects, 5 more papers, 2 years worth of Chemistry and Math knowledge to memorise, and the 2nd-last round of exams will be done. We’ll see how it goes.